Home > Uncategorized > Fallen off the path again

Fallen off the path again

I haven’t checked this blog for nearly 2 months.  I have never been able to walk the same path day by day for any large extent of time.  I do not know how to finish a task, or complete an elaborate goal.  I struggle so violently to manage my life and control the contents of my mind.  I cannot.  I wish I could explain how scattered my attention usually is, but most people don’t understand.  I am an underachiever, and habitually viewed as lazy or stupid.  I view life through a kalidoscope of confusion.  There is no solidity in my life.  Everything drops away.  I cannot walk a path.  I am so discouraged.  If I could only hold my attention on a task for an extended period of time, perhaps things would be different now.  I am making almost no progress.  I am still unemployed.  I still have no clue what I want to do with my life.  I am considering leaving San Francisco and returning back to Hawaii.  What a shame.  This is the story of my life, a loop and a series of deep patterns.  What does it take to shake it?  I’ve read all the self-help books I can get my hands on, but for the life of me I cannot create a new habit and stick with it.  I always fall back into my primal state of disfunction and dismay.  I need to see a therapist or start taking drugs for my assumed ADHD.  I took ritalin when I was younger, I cannot remember if it made a difference.  My mind is broken.  Help.

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